The Pain Tells Me I'm Still Alive.


2 weeks in FMM and not much has changed. Bill is still quite sick and tired. They have at least released him for good now as they have his pain management under control. This is good for dad so he can smoke in comfort instead of having to go downstairs to do so.......and dont get me started on the smoking!! He is getting lots of visitors which is nice, but you can see that it really tuckers him out, and he is too kind to ask people to leave, so he tuffs it out!! Aaron on the other hand is in long term care now...for longterm of course. Still depressed and not liking it but its the best for him and my family. Been up there as much as i can, when the family isnt up there. He has a nice room, almost everything he had at home so i think he will adjust in time.

Dad's sisters have been here fro the first week and they are great. Cleaning up and organising and doing everything that needs to be done so mom can focuus on her two boys. They are a lil much to take, kinda like a tornadoe rolling through the house but it helps so much having them here. Allison has been to the H to see mom and by the house to offer here undyding support for me, as she always has done. I am undesereving of this sometimes but she never judges and is always there, no matter what!! For that I am forever gracious. I had a huge added bonus this week as Mical put her "Phat and Sassy" season on hold to come be my support network. "at your disposal" is how she put it. Basicaly putting my head in a better place then it has been allowed to be in lately. She really has been a champ since finding out about my ordeal(s). Offering right off the hop to come up and be here for me. Nothing I can do for the rest of eternity can repay the debt I have incurred having her here. She just took it all in stride, from dealing with my aunts, seeing how ill dad and aaron are, joining me for hospital visits and also being there for me as i crumble a lil. Shit she even came to the cemetary with me to visit an old friend!! Was so great to as we have a lot of fun on bikes and the kitchen as well. A lot of nice rides followed by great meals. We are both nursing dodgey shoulders so we did a lot of road rides so as not to reaggrevate the "dodgyness"!! She rode at a 50% pace so i could keep up with her! Thanks Babe!! (heheheh). I told her about this great crabapple tree at the hospital and said it would be fun to pick them and try some recipes.......so we did!! Time allowed us to only conquer one of them, a crabapple chutney which turned out great. That night was nice as the house was empty. Good to play in the kitchen and recharge for my upcoming few weeks. All of my family thought she was just amazing...and with good reason...as she is!! Was a great week having her and I may just have to make a lil trip south to recharge again really soon :)




Almost all of my adult duties are done here and sadly it is now merely a waiting game. My life is on hold right now and my frusteration level is staring to seep to the surface. I am feeling midly useless and lost right now. A lot of time spent in my head wondering what will happen and where I will be. At the end of the day it truly doesnt matter as long as i am happy and enjoying my life. That i am the pillar in a family now that wasnt really there for me through my troubling times is very hard to swallow right now. I have learned that family is family and despite differences you must swallow your feelings, to an extent, and be a man about events like this. How would I feel if i had just stayed away and let them deal with it all?? Well if you know me at all you know I would carry that with me to my own grave!! And i am trying to get rid of the scrub that is in my head as it is. This i assume is all part of the reinvention of Regan Pringle. I have been trying to move forward, be happy, enjoy life and not carry all this and being here is just testing my fortitude I do believe i will come out on top and be a lot stronger at the end of this. Not only for me, but the people I am lucky enough to have in my life.

This past couple weeks has gone by realy fast, some of it faster then others. And besides what i feel or think about all of it, it is like time served. Basically waiting for my father to die is peeling layers away that took a lot of time to cover. Little peices of me are being revealed everywhere and its forcing me to come face to face with things that have been long since repressed. Some will say its long overdue, some will say its a part of growing up. I may just say it is what it is as i am trying to be strong for everyone around me.Iin any case, i am still here, and my father is too. so i try and help and make up a lil for not being here for so long. what else can i do right?

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