Watching As It Happens




I am still in FMM and my life is still in hold. I refuse to get to far away as i know the moment i do my father will expire and I will be headed right back here to bury him ( cremate actually ). My Victoria life has been on hold for a solid month. My thoughts lead me to guilt for being here and screwing over the guys at work. But my guilt will be ten fold that if I leave and something happens here. If I am in Edmonton or Calgary its not a big deal, but if I make it back to the island its a lil longer to get back here. Am having a hard time finding purpose again. Am piddling around the house with odd jobs and editing countless number of photos as well. Spent some time in Calgary with Mical and her family and even followed to some races which was amazing. These are all very beautiful moments and no amount of thanks will show my apreciation. But at the end of the day I am still stuck waiting and wondering when my life will return to normal....or my idea of normal.

My father is so frail and weak right now and it gets worse everyday. Has a hard time forming sentances, has zero train of thought, and no longer spends much time up in his wheelchair. I try and lighten the mood the only way that I know how and thats to be a smartass. I see him wink and smirk so I know he is still there, just affected by the cancer and meds so not all there. ( not like he ever was :) ) I guess theres no way to explain it then to say I am just waiting for Death to come and take my dad.

I am trying to focus on whats truly important right now. My family, Mical, my fotos, my riding, myself. Unfortunately work is a distant distant thought for me right now. Hate screwing the guys over but this is my life and my work is not my life. I will go home when i am ready and that time hasnt come yet. Being here dealing with this has been an eye opener and has shown me what I want outta life and its up to me to seek it out and figure out more. I have come along way in the past while and this is merely a speebump. I have someone special helping me through it, among other people for support and I think I will end up ok after all is said and done. My biggest fear is my mother and her reaction to the end of it all. This is the true reason i wont leave yet. I am living with the A.A. motto right now; "One day at a time." as i cant really make plans past a few days. And at the end of the day whats 30, 40, 50 days for family right. They may have not been able to give it to me in my time of need but I sure as shit am gonna give it to them.

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