everylastingscarremindsusofhowwegothere.

On the eve of returning to the island i can't help but be riddled with guilt at my decision to leave before my father passes on. I have been here 6 weeks watching him deteriorate to a mere shell of the man i remember and am asking myself " How much longer can this old bugger hang on?" I have spoken with my mother about what I should do and she agrees that I should return and resume my life as there is absolutely nothing i can do. My outlook on life has been altered since my return to Alberta; partially form watching my father fade but mostly because I now have someone to share my passions with. Without Mical this time here woulda drove me insane!! She allowed me to enter her world, filling me with warmth and support. Understanding of what I am going through and being there for me as it happens. Escaping to Calgary and Edmonton a few times to be with her and her kool ass family was invaluable to my ability to cope. Being able to have Mary here was a must as well. Anyone who knows me knows that my mood is directly connecting with time in the saddle. Even though it was a lot of muddy quad track and road riding, aside from the epic days in Kananaskis, it didnt matter. Headphones plugged and pedals spinning helps my head. There is so much I want to say to my father about the past but I realize that time will never be available to me now so I need to find ways to deal with this on my own. I foresee a tonne of introspection and seeking of who I am and where and what I want! I have at least one of these things figured out.....now the work begins. This time tomorow I will be on the island again trying to forgive myself for leaving before the end. But as one life ends another has to keep on. That life is mine, and it starts fresh Monday!